All the emotions rolled into one.

So I haven't updated in a while. I haven't really known what to write.

Today my best friend from HS moved to Gainsville, yes its only 2 hours away, but with our schedules who knows how much we will be able to see each other and these days gas isn't cheap. She got an apartment with her boyfriend of almost 3 years and his cousin, I am happy for her, but part of me wishes I went with them, I would prolly be somewhat happier than staying here and feeling empty.

Joe comes in 8 days, and as much as I am excited I am scared that when he leaves I am gonna be a wreck, I know that the day he leaves is going to be the hardest, and I have class that day from 9-1 and his plane leaves at 6am! I have no idea how I am gonna get the faith to get out of bed again, and go to class. Our relationship/him has been the best thing to have ever happened to me, he has made me not only a better person but has made me realize that I can do anything if I put my mind to it and stick with it. I don't curse as much, and the drinking is like non-existent[which is a good think I mean I'm not 21 yet and I was doing it to drink everything away, and to get wasted]. I feel better when I am with him.

We decided that when he is here were gonna get married, I am so excited bc I couldn't want anyone else to spend the rest of my life with. I haven't told my parents yet and frankly I am terrified to do so, but he hasn't told his either so at least its not one sided. Were gonna sign the license on Tuesday and get married on friday! I'm so nervous, I am not sure If I will make a good wife, and I have to stay in Florida while he goes back to Cali. Im scared that we wont grow like a couple is suppose to there first year, and I would much rather be with him than be here, but he has to go back to school I guess and some other things so I'm here. Joy for me.

Sorry the last hour has been up and down I don't know why, but I need him here with me I need someone to talk to and he listens better than anyone. Yeah sometimes he doesn't show interest in what I have to say and I know he might not care what I'm talking about but I would still rather talk to him than anyone. I wish he would talk more about how things are gonna be after were married, I mean were suppose to be and Us then right?

So, last night we were talking and I said that if my parents take my off there car insuranse I will prolly run into some money problems bc my insurance is 250 a month and thats a week and a halfs pay alone, plus that on my parents plan so on my own when I looked it was around 500 to be on my own(I'm under 24 I have been in 1 accident but that was a few years ago) so there is noo way with what I make that I can pay all my bills each month.. and I said I might haveto get a 2nd job and work full time at both.. so me working 2 full time jobs and going to school full-time, I guess he doesnt wanna ever see/talk to me bc I wouldnt have the time! He told me that I should get a second job, I was kinda hurt by that! I mean I dont want his money, I am not marring him for that or any benifits I am marring him bc he is the man of my dreams who I am head over heals for, but that hurt bc it made me think that what if thats how its gonna be even when were together, are we gonna have our "own" bills and our "own" things and never be an us.. Its scary bc I want to share my life and everything in it with him. I can pay my bills and I want to work and make my own money, but our we never gonna share anything?! I don't feel like I can ask him these things bc to me he doesn't seem to care about them

To me its liek he wants to marry me and be married but not share his life with me and I want that more than anything. I don't have doubts we will work bc I know if we have made it this far then we can make it forever..
I just wish he would talk to me more sometimes..
Oh well I can deal

XXOO

8 days till he comes.. 12 days till we get married!