Sunday, August 3, 2008

Letter to Joe.

SO, last night was a bad night, and don't get me wrong I love Joe with all my heart and I have no doubts that we will have a successful marriage. Yes, there are things that he does that I don't get and makes me feel like crap, but I know that I do things that make him feel the same.

Joe: Don't think that I have doubts about being with you, bc I could not be happier with you and I don't want anything else than to marry you. You mean the world to me and I can't wait to be your wife, and spend the rest of my life with you. You came into my life very unexpected and from the beginning we have just clicked, when I am with you it is just perfect we get along fantastically, and you have become my best friend. You have always been here for me, yeah we had our rough spot but we made it through that. I love you and I can't wait to marry you when you come to visit.

I feel like I can't tell you all of this on the phone though, bc part of me feels like its not important to you, but babe were getting married and its a huge thing, I mean do you not think so? You have to be able to tell me everything and trust me. I know things will prolly just be like they are now, but I don't want them to be, I want it to be a little different or do you want it to be like this?

I love you with all my heart! I can't wait to marry you, and when you come down it is going to be amazing! I think we will have a great time, and us staying at the part will be fun bc it will be like a lil get away, and it will be just us two! I think we will have a blast! I miss you soo soo much!

Saturday, August 2, 2008

All the emotions rolled into one.

So I haven't updated in a while. I haven't really known what to write.

Today my best friend from HS moved to Gainsville, yes its only 2 hours away, but with our schedules who knows how much we will be able to see each other and these days gas isn't cheap. She got an apartment with her boyfriend of almost 3 years and his cousin, I am happy for her, but part of me wishes I went with them, I would prolly be somewhat happier than staying here and feeling empty.

Joe comes in 8 days, and as much as I am excited I am scared that when he leaves I am gonna be a wreck, I know that the day he leaves is going to be the hardest, and I have class that day from 9-1 and his plane leaves at 6am! I have no idea how I am gonna get the faith to get out of bed again, and go to class. Our relationship/him has been the best thing to have ever happened to me, he has made me not only a better person but has made me realize that I can do anything if I put my mind to it and stick with it. I don't curse as much, and the drinking is like non-existent[which is a good think I mean I'm not 21 yet and I was doing it to drink everything away, and to get wasted]. I feel better when I am with him.

We decided that when he is here were gonna get married, I am so excited bc I couldn't want anyone else to spend the rest of my life with. I haven't told my parents yet and frankly I am terrified to do so, but he hasn't told his either so at least its not one sided. Were gonna sign the license on Tuesday and get married on friday! I'm so nervous, I am not sure If I will make a good wife, and I have to stay in Florida while he goes back to Cali. Im scared that we wont grow like a couple is suppose to there first year, and I would much rather be with him than be here, but he has to go back to school I guess and some other things so I'm here. Joy for me.

Sorry the last hour has been up and down I don't know why, but I need him here with me I need someone to talk to and he listens better than anyone. Yeah sometimes he doesn't show interest in what I have to say and I know he might not care what I'm talking about but I would still rather talk to him than anyone. I wish he would talk more about how things are gonna be after were married, I mean were suppose to be and Us then right?

So, last night we were talking and I said that if my parents take my off there car insuranse I will prolly run into some money problems bc my insurance is 250 a month and thats a week and a halfs pay alone, plus that on my parents plan so on my own when I looked it was around 500 to be on my own(I'm under 24 I have been in 1 accident but that was a few years ago) so there is noo way with what I make that I can pay all my bills each month.. and I said I might haveto get a 2nd job and work full time at both.. so me working 2 full time jobs and going to school full-time, I guess he doesnt wanna ever see/talk to me bc I wouldnt have the time! He told me that I should get a second job, I was kinda hurt by that! I mean I dont want his money, I am not marring him for that or any benifits I am marring him bc he is the man of my dreams who I am head over heals for, but that hurt bc it made me think that what if thats how its gonna be even when were together, are we gonna have our "own" bills and our "own" things and never be an us.. Its scary bc I want to share my life and everything in it with him. I can pay my bills and I want to work and make my own money, but our we never gonna share anything?! I don't feel like I can ask him these things bc to me he doesn't seem to care about them

To me its liek he wants to marry me and be married but not share his life with me and I want that more than anything. I don't have doubts we will work bc I know if we have made it this far then we can make it forever..
I just wish he would talk to me more sometimes..
Oh well I can deal


8 days till he comes.. 12 days till we get married!

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


So, haven't had much to talk about. I lead a boring life these days and this week I have worked all the time lately.

18 more days till Love gets here! So excited.

I saw the Dark Knight the other night.. it was AMAZING! Now I just wanna see Mamma Mia!, I am a huge musical fan.

I start school shortly after Love gets here actually 2 days before he leaves, and I am actually excited about it. I want to go back, and I wanna finish school.
Now recently I have had baby fever, and its killer. I can't wait to finally have a family of my own, but I do wanna finish school first. I wanna be able to support myself if anything should ever happen.

Well I work till Saturday, but Love wont be home anyways, he is going somewhere to go do something for work. So he will be able to talk every now and then which sucks, BC I am getting use to texting all day. The calls are rare now a days, maybe twice a day, but were both busy and I understand that. Nothing to get my panties in a bunch over, its not a big deal at all really. I take what I can get..

And on that note, that's kinda my new little motto, I mean I do take what I can get. Our schedules work against each other, so us talking isn't really in the cards, by the time he wakes up I'm already at work, and by the time I get off he is already at work.. But I love the text messages, and its not like we don't ever talk but like i said its normally for about 5 min or so when he gets off and maybe 1 other time during the day. When he isn't working though, we do talk more, and when I am off sometimes we can see/talk b4 he goes in, but even so he is always so busy and lately has been working all the time. I miss him, I miss us talking more, but I don't like complaining to him. I mean there isn't much either of us can do, its how it has to be right now and we have to fight through the punches. I love him, and no matter what we go through that will never change.
So, yes. Life here is lonely, but its life and its mine. I have the love of my life, and I'm not lonely in that way, just lonely that I have nothing to do and if I find something I have to do it alone, and I don't like experiencing things alone. I would rather share it with someone I care about and get along with and can talk with them and with Love I can tell him anything, and we just have this connection that I feel like he is not only someone I wanna share my life with, but he has become my new best friend.

Well enough for one night.
Jeeze I can't wait for that call tonight.
:) :) :)


Monday, July 21, 2008

Day off..

So, I have never pictured myself as a strong individual like not physically strong but mentally and emotionally. I know I am not, but as each day passes, and I have to do things without him here and without being able to have a convo with him when im bored or whatnot. I think it that now that I have to be independent and basically on my own, that I am doing pretty darn good for myself. I start school in about a month, and I am ubber excited about that, Love comes to visit in 21 days, and I honestly am so excited for him to come. I know that lately things haven't been on our side with talking and seeing each other, its a rare occasion now that I get to see him, and its getting rare to even talk to him. I wish he would call more, I mean even for like 2 minutes to tell me he loves me, but he doesn't. I mean I know he is busy and the time difference sucks, but I mean anyone can take 5 minutes and call someone. It just bugs me sometimes, but I hate making things a big deal bc I feel like I am a pain or that I am bugging him. I know I can always tell him this, but I don't like to especially after the other night when he got mad at me, and it was stupid, and its over. I just like hearing his voice, and him calling to tell me he loves me and to have a good night would be like the high light of many of my days, but he doesn't and I dont think he will ever be the type to do that. Oh well.

So, we do text all the time and that keeps me occupied. I miss him so much, and I would do anything to be with him, I just hate coming home and being alone, I know that once we are together he will have to leave sometimes, but thats not the same as being here without him. I have never loved someone so much as I love him, I can't wait to be with him, and marry him. I have never met someone who I just click with like I do with him. I know the only reason we get into lil spats is bc were not together and we rarely do that, and It is mainly me, he just does his thing and I gotta open my mouth and thats how it begins.

I don't really know what to write today. My brain is all over the place right now.
Love is at work, so no calls or text right now. I have to take my sis to cheer practice at 6, and my mom sis and myself are going to see the dark knight tonight which I am stoked about! I love[d] heath leager!(sp?) plus I get out of the house again on my day off. I have been wanting to see it and now I can and dont have to pay.. so I can go see mama mia this week too.. prolly by myself which I have never done, but time to start somewhere.

Okay now I feel like crying.. ugh! All this thinking of him, is making me sad. I have never had high self-esteem, and with him its getting better but there are times where I doubt everything and right now is that time. I just am scared! Thanx to my stupid x-boyfriend who screwed me over so so bad, now I am messed up for life. I just need him to talk to, so he can make me feel better about myself, and get me out of these thoughts. I miss him so so much, and I know that when he comes to visit its going to be amazing...

well I am gonna head out. Time for a quick nap.


Tuesday, July 15, 2008

Bad Bad Nights

Have you ever had those dreams where they felt so real that when you woke up you thought it had happened?
Well I have been having those, and there getting worse by the day.

I know that he loves me, in my dreams though there is someone else. Lately it seems like he is busy, and there is other things that he would rather do than talk to me. I just need him to be here, know I wouldn't be acting like this if he was. Its crazy to believe that I am thinking these things, but its not that I doubt his love for me, or his want to marry me.I just everyday that goes by it get harder to be here alone, and think that he is gonna wait for me. I know that he loves me and that I love him and that it is meant to be. I hate these dreams I hate the thought that we wouldn't be together, I doubt he would tell me he is going to ask me to marry him if he didn't want too.

Him not being here is hard, harder than I ever thought it would be. Why would god put someone in my life, but not let me be with them fully. Is this a test for the 2 of us? Are we passing? Can we make it through? I know that we are meant to be, I know that he is the one I want to marry, so why I am so scared?? I wish someone could help me out. I wish someone could tell me if this is normal. I love him, and I think I am scared to lose him. I know I am scared to lose him. Part of me is scared he is lying, and another that he is going to up and leave again.. I don't want to be scared anymore, I don't want him to leave. Im scared and there is no one here to help, no one to tell me its going to be okay.
I keep telling myself in less than a month he will be here, but is he really coming this time, is he really gonna get on that plane in LA and off im Tampa? Am I going to be able to run up to him and give him a hug and a kiss? I know that all of this is crazy talk, but its been a rough morning so far.

I need you here, I need you more than you can ever imagine. Are you having second thoughts? Did I do something wrong? Please talk to me, I feel like your keeping your distance lately. Just don't run again please, don't leave me. I know that we don't have the money for us to be together right now, but I know we can do anything together. Im sorry for this blog, but it was a bad night, and its been a bad past couple of nights. I love you and I want to marry you. I want to spend forever with you I want to have a family and grow old with you. I wanted you to read this blog bc its hard for me to tell you everything bc sometimes I feel like you blow it off. Please let me know how you feel.

I love you so much, you mean the world to me.

Monday, July 14, 2008


So, today has kinda been a long one. I woke up this morning and my mom and me met my aunt and uncle to drive to Orlando for my dads best friends funeral. Honestly, didn't really know the guy except when I was a little girl since then I haven't seen him, the funeral itself was different than most, so I had mixed feelings about that. I saw his children again though, and despite the circumstances they all looked good(3) and one is about to have a baby, so it was hard for her.

Oh and these headaches.. Jeeze Killer! I got one today and I couldn't do anything about it bc we were driving home and no one had anything to drink. I think I am gonna go to the Dr and ask about them, I have some other things I have to ask about as well so mine as well make one big trip.

So I am waiting up for Love. Its been 7 months since we started dating, and it feels like we have known each other for years. I couldn't imagine my life without him. It might seem like a short period of time to be talking about getting married and living with each other, but that proves how strong our love is for one another. I think the distance makes our bond strong and deep, since we don't have the opportunity to see each other in person all the time our love grew to a deeper level. I wouldn't change anything about us, and I love that we can be away from each other for so long but we never skip a beat.

27 DAYS!! I am soo sooo sooo excited!

Its getting harder to be away from him. We have talked about living together next year, and hopefully about him get to PCS to Fla. We are not sure of anything and even if he comes here it wont be till like march i think, so there would be no point in me moving out there to him if he would come here, but if he has to stay in Cali. there is no way I can stay here alone. Its to hard to do this on my own, I understand that many women do it everyday with deployments or whatever, but I have the opportunity to be with him, and I am going to take it while I can. I hate being without him my whole life feels empty and it doesn't seem right to go out or do things without him. I know money is a big issue, especially out in Cali, bc everything is so darn expensive, but if we save up and have to move out there we will be able to do it, and if he can come to Fl or even anywhere on the east coast, we would be able to make it with both of us working and not being married right now. I want to marry him, but I don't want to rush into anything and I think us living together first will help us get all the glitches out, and get us use to just living together. I can't wait to be with him!

I'm getting tired and I have like 2 more hours before Love gets home from work.

I'm thinking of finding some surveys to do, I am bored and I use to love filling those out, and I am watching a movie.. trying to keep awake!

Okay. Enough for tonight.


MIssing Him.. Wasting Time

For today, July 14th 2008.

Outside my window... It's dark, and with the blinds closed I cant really see anything except the street light shining in the top part of my window.

I am thinking... That I have become a little addicted to blogging, and that maybe its an outlet for me since Love isn't around.

I am thankful for... The love of my life. and the second chance at college.

From the kitchen...Comes darkness, and probably my cat on the counter eating his food.

I am wearing... Gym shorts and a T-shirt from HS.

I am creating... My own life, one step at a time.

I am going... back to school 8/18 which I am super excited about. Also I am going to marry the love of my life.

I am reading...Nothing at the moment. Going to start Lizzie's War soon.

I am hoping... That the next 28 days go by really fast. and then the next 8 days go by so slow and last forever.

I am hearing...An episode of house.

Around the house...Comes the sounds of two 13 year olds talking in the room across the hall.

One of my favorite things...Would be spending time with Love, even though its long distance I still think that us talking and seeing each other is spending time together.

A few plans for the rest of the week... No work till Thursday, and really not looking forward to even going back. So work Thurs-Sun, before then hopefully talking to Love before he goes to work and starting my Walk Workout lol.

Got this from another blog.