:)

So, haven't had much to talk about. I lead a boring life these days and this week I have worked all the time lately.

18 more days till Love gets here! So excited.

I saw the Dark Knight the other night.. it was AMAZING! Now I just wanna see Mamma Mia!, I am a huge musical fan.

I start school shortly after Love gets here actually 2 days before he leaves, and I am actually excited about it. I want to go back, and I wanna finish school.
Now recently I have had baby fever, and its killer. I can't wait to finally have a family of my own, but I do wanna finish school first. I wanna be able to support myself if anything should ever happen.

Well I work till Saturday, but Love wont be home anyways, he is going somewhere to go do something for work. So he will be able to talk every now and then which sucks, BC I am getting use to texting all day. The calls are rare now a days, maybe twice a day, but were both busy and I understand that. Nothing to get my panties in a bunch over, its not a big deal at all really. I take what I can get..

And on that note, that's kinda my new little motto, I mean I do take what I can get. Our schedules work against each other, so us talking isn't really in the cards, by the time he wakes up I'm already at work, and by the time I get off he is already at work.. But I love the text messages, and its not like we don't ever talk but like i said its normally for about 5 min or so when he gets off and maybe 1 other time during the day. When he isn't working though, we do talk more, and when I am off sometimes we can see/talk b4 he goes in, but even so he is always so busy and lately has been working all the time. I miss him, I miss us talking more, but I don't like complaining to him. I mean there isn't much either of us can do, its how it has to be right now and we have to fight through the punches. I love him, and no matter what we go through that will never change.
So, yes. Life here is lonely, but its life and its mine. I have the love of my life, and I'm not lonely in that way, just lonely that I have nothing to do and if I find something I have to do it alone, and I don't like experiencing things alone. I would rather share it with someone I care about and get along with and can talk with them and with Love I can tell him anything, and we just have this connection that I feel like he is not only someone I wanna share my life with, but he has become my new best friend.

Well enough for one night.
Jeeze I can't wait for that call tonight.
:) :) :)

XXOO

Day off..

So, I have never pictured myself as a strong individual like not physically strong but mentally and emotionally. I know I am not, but as each day passes, and I have to do things without him here and without being able to have a convo with him when im bored or whatnot. I think it that now that I have to be independent and basically on my own, that I am doing pretty darn good for myself. I start school in about a month, and I am ubber excited about that, Love comes to visit in 21 days, and I honestly am so excited for him to come. I know that lately things haven't been on our side with talking and seeing each other, its a rare occasion now that I get to see him, and its getting rare to even talk to him. I wish he would call more, I mean even for like 2 minutes to tell me he loves me, but he doesn't. I mean I know he is busy and the time difference sucks, but I mean anyone can take 5 minutes and call someone. It just bugs me sometimes, but I hate making things a big deal bc I feel like I am a pain or that I am bugging him. I know I can always tell him this, but I don't like to especially after the other night when he got mad at me, and it was stupid, and its over. I just like hearing his voice, and him calling to tell me he loves me and to have a good night would be like the high light of many of my days, but he doesn't and I dont think he will ever be the type to do that. Oh well.


So, we do text all the time and that keeps me occupied. I miss him so much, and I would do anything to be with him, I just hate coming home and being alone, I know that once we are together he will have to leave sometimes, but thats not the same as being here without him. I have never loved someone so much as I love him, I can't wait to be with him, and marry him. I have never met someone who I just click with like I do with him. I know the only reason we get into lil spats is bc were not together and we rarely do that, and It is mainly me, he just does his thing and I gotta open my mouth and thats how it begins.

I don't really know what to write today. My brain is all over the place right now.
Love is at work, so no calls or text right now. I have to take my sis to cheer practice at 6, and my mom sis and myself are going to see the dark knight tonight which I am stoked about! I love[d] heath leager!(sp?) plus I get out of the house again on my day off. I have been wanting to see it and now I can and dont have to pay.. so I can go see mama mia this week too.. prolly by myself which I have never done, but time to start somewhere.


Okay now I feel like crying.. ugh! All this thinking of him, is making me sad. I have never had high self-esteem, and with him its getting better but there are times where I doubt everything and right now is that time. I just am scared! Thanx to my stupid x-boyfriend who screwed me over so so bad, now I am messed up for life. I just need him to talk to, so he can make me feel better about myself, and get me out of these thoughts. I miss him so so much, and I know that when he comes to visit its going to be amazing...


well I am gonna head out. Time for a quick nap.

XXOO

Bad Bad Nights

Have you ever had those dreams where they felt so real that when you woke up you thought it had happened?
Well I have been having those, and there getting worse by the day.

I know that he loves me, in my dreams though there is someone else. Lately it seems like he is busy, and there is other things that he would rather do than talk to me. I just need him to be here, know I wouldn't be acting like this if he was. Its crazy to believe that I am thinking these things, but its not that I doubt his love for me, or his want to marry me.I just everyday that goes by it get harder to be here alone, and think that he is gonna wait for me. I know that he loves me and that I love him and that it is meant to be. I hate these dreams I hate the thought that we wouldn't be together, I doubt he would tell me he is going to ask me to marry him if he didn't want too.


Him not being here is hard, harder than I ever thought it would be. Why would god put someone in my life, but not let me be with them fully. Is this a test for the 2 of us? Are we passing? Can we make it through? I know that we are meant to be, I know that he is the one I want to marry, so why I am so scared?? I wish someone could help me out. I wish someone could tell me if this is normal. I love him, and I think I am scared to lose him. I know I am scared to lose him. Part of me is scared he is lying, and another that he is going to up and leave again.. I don't want to be scared anymore, I don't want him to leave. Im scared and there is no one here to help, no one to tell me its going to be okay.
I keep telling myself in less than a month he will be here, but is he really coming this time, is he really gonna get on that plane in LA and off im Tampa? Am I going to be able to run up to him and give him a hug and a kiss? I know that all of this is crazy talk, but its been a rough morning so far.


Love:
I need you here, I need you more than you can ever imagine. Are you having second thoughts? Did I do something wrong? Please talk to me, I feel like your keeping your distance lately. Just don't run again please, don't leave me. I know that we don't have the money for us to be together right now, but I know we can do anything together. Im sorry for this blog, but it was a bad night, and its been a bad past couple of nights. I love you and I want to marry you. I want to spend forever with you I want to have a family and grow old with you. I wanted you to read this blog bc its hard for me to tell you everything bc sometimes I feel like you blow it off. Please let me know how you feel.



I love you so much, you mean the world to me.

Today

So, today has kinda been a long one. I woke up this morning and my mom and me met my aunt and uncle to drive to Orlando for my dads best friends funeral. Honestly, didn't really know the guy except when I was a little girl since then I haven't seen him, the funeral itself was different than most, so I had mixed feelings about that. I saw his children again though, and despite the circumstances they all looked good(3) and one is about to have a baby, so it was hard for her.

Oh and these headaches.. Jeeze Killer! I got one today and I couldn't do anything about it bc we were driving home and no one had anything to drink. I think I am gonna go to the Dr and ask about them, I have some other things I have to ask about as well so mine as well make one big trip.

So I am waiting up for Love. Its been 7 months since we started dating, and it feels like we have known each other for years. I couldn't imagine my life without him. It might seem like a short period of time to be talking about getting married and living with each other, but that proves how strong our love is for one another. I think the distance makes our bond strong and deep, since we don't have the opportunity to see each other in person all the time our love grew to a deeper level. I wouldn't change anything about us, and I love that we can be away from each other for so long but we never skip a beat.

27 DAYS!! I am soo sooo sooo excited!

Its getting harder to be away from him. We have talked about living together next year, and hopefully about him get to PCS to Fla. We are not sure of anything and even if he comes here it wont be till like march i think, so there would be no point in me moving out there to him if he would come here, but if he has to stay in Cali. there is no way I can stay here alone. Its to hard to do this on my own, I understand that many women do it everyday with deployments or whatever, but I have the opportunity to be with him, and I am going to take it while I can. I hate being without him my whole life feels empty and it doesn't seem right to go out or do things without him. I know money is a big issue, especially out in Cali, bc everything is so darn expensive, but if we save up and have to move out there we will be able to do it, and if he can come to Fl or even anywhere on the east coast, we would be able to make it with both of us working and not being married right now. I want to marry him, but I don't want to rush into anything and I think us living together first will help us get all the glitches out, and get us use to just living together. I can't wait to be with him!

I'm getting tired and I have like 2 more hours before Love gets home from work.

I'm thinking of finding some surveys to do, I am bored and I use to love filling those out, and I am watching a movie.. trying to keep awake!

Okay. Enough for tonight.

XXOO

MIssing Him.. Wasting Time

For today, July 14th 2008.

Outside my window... It's dark, and with the blinds closed I cant really see anything except the street light shining in the top part of my window.

I am thinking... That I have become a little addicted to blogging, and that maybe its an outlet for me since Love isn't around.

I am thankful for... The love of my life. and the second chance at college.

From the kitchen...Comes darkness, and probably my cat on the counter eating his food.

I am wearing... Gym shorts and a T-shirt from HS.

I am creating... My own life, one step at a time.

I am going... back to school 8/18 which I am super excited about. Also I am going to marry the love of my life.

I am reading...Nothing at the moment. Going to start Lizzie's War soon.

I am hoping... That the next 28 days go by really fast. and then the next 8 days go by so slow and last forever.

I am hearing...An episode of house.

Around the house...Comes the sounds of two 13 year olds talking in the room across the hall.

One of my favorite things...Would be spending time with Love, even though its long distance I still think that us talking and seeing each other is spending time together.

A few plans for the rest of the week... No work till Thursday, and really not looking forward to even going back. So work Thurs-Sun, before then hopefully talking to Love before he goes to work and starting my Walk Workout lol.


Got this from another blog.

Anniversary

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

I love you so much!

I am a little sad, like almost everyday, but today especially.

I wish you were here! I can't wait for your visit.

Sunday

Okay, its Sunday afternoon and I'm worried today will be another boring day. I need to start doing things to occupy my time instead of being a lazy ass, and not doing anything. I think after Love goes to work, I might go for a walk. I can't really run a whole lot due to my knees killing me, and doesnt help I can't breathe to great lately. So a walk it will be, and I would like to walk everynight, I think I am going to try and do it as much as possible. Something else I have been wanting to do is yoga, I heard it really helps you relax and helps with flexibility and toning, and with me not interested in going to the gym all the time I think it will help. I just have to get some money to go by the stuff to start.

Oh and one of my aunts is in the hospital, but my mom has already left to go visit her, she isn't my favorite person and she is only in there for bronchitis, so nothing to serious. Plus my dad best friend past away and the viewing and funeral is tomorrow, so we are going to WP for that.

Okay enough for now. I will right more later. I am honestly really starting to enjoy blogging, I think its helping me get things out.

A boring Saturday Night.. Still Waiting

Bored.. this is what it does to you..

-Going back to school starting August 18th. Didn't score so hot on that stupid CPT test, so I have to take some stupid classes (Reading 2,Writing 2, Basic Algebra, and some required college success class), oh well I guess it will better prepare me for the other classes I will have to take later on. Oh Class schedule is awesome MWF 9-1! SWEET

-Love is still at work, and now he says hes mad and I'm still holding on the the hope that he is gonna wanna talk when he gets home(if he ever gets home),and that if we do talk he doesn't bring the anger home with him.

-Oh I think I have finally decided that I do what to be a nurse, and that is what I am going to stick with, for years its what I wanted to do, and I think its what I am suppose to do.

-Still not totally happy with my job, especially with the pay. I need to talk with our district manager but she is on maternity leave so she isn't available. I hope that I can transfer stores to one in PC, and they could give me the hours I want. I would have to close every night, but with Love working nights it would work out, and when I dont have class give us the opportunity to see each other, and even when I do have class we would be able to at least talk on the phone which we barely get to do now.

-I need Love to come to Fl. If he does go somewhere else I know I will still move with him, it would be cheaper for me to stay and go to school in Fl, but I can apply for Grants out of state to help cover tuition. I am nervous to find out where he is going to go though, I pray everynight.

-The headaches I keep getting are starting to get annoying! I have to take a nap in order to make it go away, so I have been taking a lot of naps, and I'm not complaining bc then I can stay up late and talk to Love, but then it sucks for when I have to work the next morning, but he is totally worth it.

-Oh and this sinus thing I am dealing with also sucks, but I found I had sudafed in my room so I took one and it helped a lot, so I think I am just gonna take one of those when I start to feel bad again.

- Love still at work... I have basically waited all day for him, got up at 1030ish and went ot pick up my paycheck at work, Love called to say he had miltary duty stuff to do and shouldnt be long.. well around 12 still no text so I took a nap due to onset of headache, woke up at 3 and went to the grocery store with my mom and sister.. got home and had the groceries up around 5, now its 10pm exactly and still Love is at work, but at least I am getting text every now and then. So yes I might be pathetic, but I love him and I want to see/talk to him and if that means waiting up late tonight I will be up late tonight.

- I don't get to see Love on Monday mom and me have to go to WP for the funeral of my dads best friend, and we are going on my dads behalf. I didn't really know the guy my older years, but I did know him so I will go and pay my respect.

- I dont go back to work till Thursday, so 4 more days of staying up late and talking to Love, I wish I could stay up everynight and see him, but with my work schedule I would be exhausted.

I decided to let you stop reading since you prolly have more of a life than me.

I miss you Love!!
XXOO

Waiting on a day I shouldn't be

Okay, so with love being in Cali, that means him being 3 hours behind my time here in Fl. Since we began dating we have always been able to work something out to be able to see each other and talk as much as possible, well since he went back from his debt in KW, he has been on nights and working 2-like 11ish his time so that means 5 to almost 3am my time, and me I normally work 11-7 my time, so by the time he even wakes up I am already at work, and I don't get a break also when I am getting off work, he is already there. It sucks its def. not fun to really only be able to communicate via text all day until the weekend comes and even then I sometimes have to work weekends. point being: IT SUCKS!

I love talking to him, and when I do, I feel so much better about myself and about everything going on. Today being Saturday and me not working, today is really the main day of the week we get to talk and guess what? He is working.. Im not mad, bc he said he has some military duty thing to do when he called this morning, but that was at 11:40 this morning and its now 8pm and he is still there. Im upset bc I miss him, and I really wanted to talk to him today, I know when he gets home I will be able to see//talk to him, but its the fact that I have basically waited all day to do so, and I still have to wait longer. I know its not his fault and I would never put that on him, I just wish he could go home already I mean do they have to control everyday of his life?!

I read a post on the website for miltary wives,fiances,and girlfriends(cinchouse.com) that I am a member of, and it was about "the right age for marriage?" and as I began reading I started to glow bc I know I am not alone of being young(19 almost 20) and wanting to get married. I really want to spend the rest of my life with Love and I hope he still feels the same, no reason for him to change his mind, but sometimes I do get scared. I don't want to be with anyone else, and I know that he is the "one" for me. He put in for orders the other day he told me he put a couple places in Florida, and I really hope he gets one, bc I wouldnt think twice about moving in with him. I have told him that I wanted to live together a bit before we set a date to get married, I think its so we can get to know each other more on a more personal level, by living with someone I know you can learn so much more from them by dealing with all the pressures of life on your own. I think it will help us have a more successful marriage, and will show us that no matter how bad things get or how tough we feel the pressures are that together we can do and get through anything!

I don't know if I ever told Love this, but when I see him and I hear his voice I have never felt happier and safe. He means everything to me, and even though I say I am scared to tell my parents if we get engaged on his August visit, I know I will when the time is right and that will be shortly after, I don't and can't hid my love for him, if they don't support me then I know that I have to go into this marriage without there support, but I know this is the right and most perfect choice for me. If they don't support me, I am not sure if we can have a big or glamorous wedding, but I don't think either of us want something big. Something small is perfect, I would def. fly his family down (I want to get married in Fl) and be there, I want to get to know his family, I have never met them and hopefully as we have talked about I can go up there for the holidays this year, and finally be able to met them. I hope they approve of me, bc that would mean a lot to me. He gets to met my mom and sister when he comes in August, and I know they will love them I just hope he feels the same about them. My mother is someone I don't know if I would be where I am todya without her and my sister drives me crazy but I do love her and she is the life of a party!

I hope Love gets off work soon, bc I miss him so much. Oh and I am gonna start and change somethings, If its not life and death Im not gonna think to much of it, I don't wanna fight or bicker with him, I know we don't really fight, and yes he can be joking abotu something and I will take it the wrong way, but Im done, I am gonna try to just always think light unless other wise needed. I love him and I hate when were not perfect.

I love you J!
XXoo

Get home soon PLZ

Mixed Feelings.

So, my best friend called today and informed me that her BF got into the University of Florida so they will be moving about 3 hours away to Gainsville am I happy for her? Yes, do I want her to leave? No. I mean she is really the only person I actually have here to talk to about things and with her gone, I really dont have anyone to call up when I need someone to talk to about things. We have been best friends since the day we met senior year of HS. I am going to miss her, but I know I can go up whenever I need to see her and she wouldnt care, she even said that me and Love can come up there for the weekend to see her and BF when love comes to visit. Which could help bc we wouldnt need a hotel for that weekend, and that would save him prolly a hundred bucks or so which is a good thing, bc I feel bad that I can't help out with the hotel or anything, but I honestly have no money. I dont know what I am going to do about bills this month, but I will make do.

Love:
I miss you, you will never realize how much you mean to me, I will never be able to describe it and I think that says it all, but I wish I could show you more how much you mean to me. You have become my best friend I know I can tell you anything and you will always be willing to listen and help as much as you can and I thank you for that. I can't wait till you come to visit me! Its going to be the best 8 days ever and I know that we will have a great time.I know that I am not a perfect girlfriend, which means I wont make a perfect fiancee but I know you love me for I am and I thank you for that. I really can't wait to marry you, and start our own family. Your amazing and Its going to be the best choice I ever make. I love you so much.

Short but have to get it out.

So, I am sitting here waiting for my ride to pick me up so I can go to the country bar called the Dallas Bull tonight, I feel so quilty and crap, Like I shouldn't be going out without Joe. I know he tells me that he doesn't care and wants me to have a good time, but I feel like I shouldn't be going out without him. I love going don't get that wrogn I wouldn't go if I didnt, but going without him makes me feel like Im out having fun when hes working. I wish I didn't feel this way bc everytime I go out part of me feels guilty. I know he trust me and he should, Im devoted to him no matter what. He is stuck with me forever, especially if he comes to visit and asks a certain question. Which I must say I AM SO EXCITED about, I mean I never thought I would be so sure I wanted to spend the rest of my life with one person, and now here I am almost 20 years old, and I know the man I want to marry and Im going to do it! I know that I want to have a family with him and grow old with him, I have never thought about things like that before and with him its so natural. I love him so much and I know this is the right choice. I must make this short tonight, but Ill post more later.
Adios.

More..

So about a week ago me and Love decided that every week we would mail each other letter, well I mailed my first bunch today. I hope he gets them around the end of the week, but I am not sure how long it really takes.I hope that he likes what I wrote if not its not the end of the world.
So, I hate the feeling of not being with him, I don't like being so far away from him and would do anything to be able to live with him, and be able to have a life with just the 2 of us right now, and when were ready get married and then have a family of our own. I love how I feel when I am with him, he makes me smile constantly and feel like I am on cloud nine. Its like nothing could go wrong, and no matter what we do we can have a great time and enjoy each others company. That's another reason I cant wait till he visits again, bc I miss how I feel when I am with him and I miss that. I miss knowing that he is sleeping next to me and I get to wake up and roll over and give him a kiss and be the first to say good morning! I dream and think constantly of all the great times we have had and I know that we will have together, he is the greatest lover and friend I could of asked for.

I wish I could tell him exactly how I felt, but I can't the kind of love I think we have is indescribable and that is what sets us apart from other couples that have gone through what we have yes things are amazing, no complaints, but we have had are problems and since are 2nd chance we have been perfect and every time I talk to him, my heart flutters bc I know that the conversation will have to end, but while I am talking to him nothing could be more important.
I love him, and I truly know that he is the one I am to spend the the rest of my life with, and I would never change my mind about him. He is truly one of a kind amazing! He makes me feel like I am the most important thing in his life, when at this time the military should be #1, but that doesn't matter to him. We make the distance work and yes it is hard, and its not going to get easier the closer we grow to one another, but no matter what we know that we are there for another and were not going anywhere and at the end of the day we go to bed thinking of the other. He is my #1, and I cant wait to be asked that very important question.

I love you the love of my life!!
I wish you here with me right now.
You mean the world to me!


Well enough for tonight.

Goodnight all.

A lil more indepth

I don't like living here anymore. I want to be with him.. but unless I marry him I can't. Dont get me wrong I want to marry him, but the right way and when we can afford it. I just pray everynight that he gets stationed back on the east coast. It will be a lot easier for us; same time zone, less travel time so less money spent, can see each other more.That boy means more to me than anything else has, I feel incomplete without him by my side. I love him very much, and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with him.
My dreams tho.. are contradicting that, and its getting to the point of me waking up in tears. I want to get married, have a family and grow old, my dreams are that he is not coming to visit, that he is spending his time with someone else, and that he is using me as a game. I want the dreams to stop, but my headaches are also bothering me..

So, about my lover man!
He is perfect, smart,handsome, caring,outgoing. and so much more, He is always there when I need him, and he cares about what I have to say(most of the time), We get along perfectly, we have so much in common,
The first time we were together, at lunch we ordered the same thing kinda weird at first but as that weekend kept going it become known that we just had so much in common and that we just "clicked". Every time we talk its something new, and were always laughing and having a good time. I miss him, I miss being with him, I miss being able to hold his hand and kiss him, I miss falling asleep in his arms at night, I miss waking up next to him, and I miss the sex. I cant describe how much I truly miss him, and I want him here so bad. I wish I could have him, and when he comes to visit its going to be great, but him leaving is going to break my heart. I'm going to have to get use to doing everything alone again, and just being able to see him over web cam, and talking to him on the phone has to be enough, well to me its not enough. I would wait for him for as long as needed but having him, and not being able to be with him is crazy.
Sex: OMG! its amazing with him. and my sex life now still awesome, I feel confident with him. Its amazing, I cant wait to be with him again. He is great at what he does and its a total turn on that he knows how to please me.
okay enough with that.

I love him.
and that's enough to get me thru the days.